Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

Department: Accessories

I have very sensitive eyes. This could be because I spend 16 hours a day in front of my laptop. I can't even walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail without sunglasses. Even if it's at sundown. I need them, I wear them, and if I didn't need prescription ones I would be in really big trouble because I would own as many pairs of sunnies as I do shoes.

Luckily for me, the practically legally blind, my local Target has a pretty swank prescription lens spot. I didn't even realize it was there until the other day when I walked past the little eye wear hamlet and saw the Ray-Ban sign and gasped. I currently have a pair of Wayfarers. I need more.
This time I covet the Ray-Ban Jackie Ohhs. Don't you? They are about $140 and the lens' are $175. Not bad! I gather from the brief convo with the "optician" red shirt, that I don't even need an exam. I can just bring in my script. How convenient for me!

So when the economy picks back up and I can afford it, I will be getting these. If you want to sponsor my venture let me know. Remember, I spend long hours in front of my laptop to bring you this joy of a blog. I am going blind every second and it is all for you.

Serious Granola Bar Dilemma

Department: Where Is My Favorite Target Product?

I love it when STT readers write me with their problems. Favorite merchandise suddenly missing from the shelves is usually the reason for the desperate email. I am happy to help as I know that many Red Shirts, Target Corp Employees and Buyers read my blog. Please help this man find his granola bars. Please. He sounds so pathetic and sad. In a fun-loving way of course! Plus, these granola bars sound so good and he makes me want some. Of course they are missing....

A loyal fan writes in-

Target sells SUPER DELICIOUS store-brand granola bars. They're organic dark chocolate granola bars, with peanuts, no hydrogenated nasty stuff, very wholesome and so on, and only at Target. And, THEY. ARE. TO. DIE. FOR. (also, 100 calories apiece). See, they are not only *dipped* in chocolate, but also sprinkled with dark chocolate chips! Yum! I used to eat at least two of these a day. My life stinks, my job is dull, girls think I'm annoying, BUT these granola bars made me HAPPY.

They made me happy, happy, happy.

But now they're... gone. WHAT? Gone, I said. No! Sadly, yes.

No store anywhere has them in stock! All they have are second-rate useless junky bars that simply wilt & slither back into their dingy box when I demand Ultimate Tastiness from them. What am I to do? There is no amount of all-caps loud text that can express my sense of loss, despair, and hunger. Well, maybe this: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO.

Perhaps this is related to the peanut scare, since my lovely bars had chompy lil' peanuts in them. But I DON'T CARE about that! Salmonella - pfft! Silly germs, I have powerful innards of steel! And these innards want delicious chocolatey peanutty granola bars inside of them!

And it CAN'T be about "poor sales". They sold me THOUSANDS of these things! Frankly, it was quite nearly myself single-handedly holding up the entire US economy with my granola bar purchases UNTIL Target took them off the shelves. Shame on them, and now... See? The banks are toast (toast being a fine food, yes, but whoever heard of chocolate toast?).

So um perhaps you might blog something about this travesty, work up some ground-rootsy appeal or something? I dunno. Sigh. I know you have numerous other seriously important shopping issues to work on. Sorry for writing an overly passionate 200 gigabyte email.

Anyhow, I still love Target, and I did get a nice tv stand for 60 bucks last week, a dark brown one... But YOU CAN'T EAT A TV STAND! Too gritty, argh. Oh well.

Best wishes,
Mr Slightly Distressed Also-A-Target-Slave